I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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