and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
