Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
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"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.