someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
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I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.