I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
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dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
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I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.