Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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