Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think weed is turning my hair brown
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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