I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
