apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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