Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
