You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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