i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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