I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
