I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.