its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"