His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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