I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
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definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
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The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.