If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
