I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize