You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
