just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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