I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
