u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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