I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
