I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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