I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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