soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
