the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
