tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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