im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
