Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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