I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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