The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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