it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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