If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
