Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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