you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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