Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
