Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
