it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
