I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
