You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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