There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
