i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
