I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
