Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
