Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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