Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
