i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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