get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
