I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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