I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
