I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
