whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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