Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
