I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The best revenge is premature balding
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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