I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
