Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
