You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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