I think im going to throw up on grandma
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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